Self-love Wisdom for the COVID-19 Season
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I keep telling my TCK friends: this is our time to shine and show up, not only for ourselves, but also for our community!
We’re experts in navigating transition and processing the loss and grief associated with it. We have observed and learned both healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms and have hopefully practiced the latter!
Because I am a TCK, I believe that I am uniquely equipped to understand how to come out on the other side, more prepared for the new “normal”. It involves processing grief, practicing gratitude, giving to your community, and recognizing internal reservoirs that can and will propel you to rise up again, whatever that may look like for you.
This is how I’ve practiced that kind of self-love as a TCK:
I’m acquainted with grief.
I have lived in 6 countries, attended 7 international schools and moved house over 12 times. As an Adult TCK, I’ve lived in 4 more countries, obtained three degrees, and now work as an independent “global and digital” nomad.
Through these transitions, I became well acquainted with the loss-and-grief experienced in a Third Culture Kid life. I believe the losses Third Culture Kids experience are never good. They disrupt, remove, and disconnect. They can leave TCKs distraught in transition.
Grief, on the other hand, is good because it creates the space for TCKs to acknowledge those losses and to process them. It allows them to pinpoint the source of anger, disillusionment, and pain that often comes from unresolved or disenfranchised grief. Moving through the non-linear stages of denial, sadness, anger, bargaining, and acceptance can shape a TCK’s understanding that leaning into the discomfort of grief can build resilience, empathy, and connection for yourself and your relationships.
Because I have experienced not only sudden loss but also anticipated loss, I have built resilience mechanisms for both kinds of situations. I understand that change is inevitable and sometimes uncomfortable, but that it always serves as an opportunity for personal development. As The Alchemist says, “The secret of life is to fall seven times, and to get up eight.”
I’m acquainted with the grief I’m feeling right now of being isolated from friends and family. I’m acquainted with broken commitments, restricted gatherings, and cancelled events. It hurts to cross out my travel dates, refund my tickets (taking a hit to my future travel budget), and only see people through a screen. However, I know this is a temporal season. I can lean into my people to sit with me in the sadness of both the tangible and intangible losses. Accepting the discomfort of grief right now is a form of self-love. My future self will thank me for processing it and not ignoring or dismissing it.
I understand how to maintain relationships at a distance.
Relationships take time, effort, and connection to remain viable and to grow deeper. I believe that people with change-averse mindsets may not be adjusting well to the new and interesting ways to connect with others during this time. They might not have the experience or creativity to find ways to connect with their friends, neighbors, family, classmates, and colleagues.
When I was growing up in different countries, I wrote handwritten cards to my friends in all parts of the world who had left me or whom I had left. Email, MySpace, and MSN messenger didn’t exist and wasn’t readily accessible until my middle school years.
I learned from a young age how to format a handwritten letter and thank-you card. Living in Korea and in Japan during some of those years really encouraged this practice, with colorful ink pens, stationery, and stickers readily available in basically every shop I went into.
I believe writing letters and cards is a kind of artform that turns into cultural artifacts. I have a box of unique cards and stationery I’ve collected over time, which is being depleted while I’ve been self-isolating. I’ve sent just over 50 cards in just over 20 days. And guess what? I’ve gotten a stack of letters back. Let’s bring back the pen pal era!
In writing these letters, I am creating a “live” journal of this time period, and it can shape a kind of legacy to leave for future generations, to understand more deeply what this experience was–for me and for my friends.
In the meantime, don’t forget to write a quick DM, drop an emoji, create a Tik Tok, send a WhatsApp message, reply to a text, and answer the phone. These are ways to stay connected across distance. These are ways to continue to invest in relationships that anchor us. Self-love looks like identifying and expressing gratitude for “your people.” Indeed, I am grieving not being able to be with “my people” during this time, but I am also reminding myself and them about memories we have and the ones we’ll create in the future.
I belong to myself.
In Brené Brown’s Braving the Wilderness, she frames the difference between “fitting in” and “belonging” and quotes Maya Angelou, “You are only free when you realize you belong no place – you belong every place–no place at all….the reward is great”.
Having this perspective growing up would have probably helped me adjust in different school environments. In some school systems, I was often plagued with thoughts of “less than,” “if only,” and “I wish that….” as I was striving to fit in with my peers and different cultural contexts. It was challenging to figure out who I was through so much change. Even as an adult, I struggle with comparison and give weight and credit to people’s perspectives of me. I must remind myself that I belong to every place, because, first and foremost, I belong to myself.
What has helped me to cultivate confidence and pride in belonging to myself is respecting that my worth comes from who I am and not what I do. I manage my emotions, thoughts, and actions and they give clues to how my grief, joys, concerns, and celebrations are manifesting in my body so I can better understand who I am.
Lately, I’ve noticed that we are constantly being bombarded with links, webinars, emails, and texts about resources, suggestions, and “best practices” to navigate this time. The deluge of invites to try out a yoga YouTube channel, read through and adopt a list of mindfulness practices, and participate in live webinars can be overwhelming. Knowing who I am and being hyper aware of what my body, mind, and spirit need during this time is a way to belong to myself instead of being easily swayed by what’s happening externally.
Don’t forget that self-care will look different for everyone, and building those practices are lifelong discoveries. Respecting that is self-love too.
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I feel prepared and equipped to navigate this tumultuous time. I have learned that even though I can’t control what happens to me (it was never my choice to move six times growing up and attend 7 different schools), I can choose how I respond. I know during this time to process my grief, to lean into my community, and to listen to my body.
Not only do these truths highlight the path to self-belonging as an individual and a TCK, but they also serve as universal practices that speak to the shared humanity in all of us.
