I Fear Being Wholly Me

I fear being wholly me.

I am hesitant to believe what close friends say about me, that I am strong and talented and brave.

I am scared to believe them when they say I am worth more than what I tell myself, that I deserve more than what I’m searching for.

I’m scared of my words and fear the power they have when I put them into the world. Is it really okay to honestly say how I feel? I am scared of saying who I am or where I’m from. Sometimes I want to say I’m from Peru because I am from Peru, and sometimes I am from Minnesota, and other times Florida or Costa Rica. I am all these places. I am all these people and all these cultures, but I am scared to be me. 

I am scared of my dreams. I quieten them every time they come out too strong. I calm my face when it lights up about wanting to leave this country. I smother the fire in my eyes when I speak up about my distaste of certain parts of American culture. 

I have an internal battle to be who I am while also trying to fit in with whichever culture and society that I happen to be living in. We are all multiple cultures in one body. We have all been influenced by other worlds whether we are aware of it or not.

I fear my emotions, and that gets tiring. It is exhausting trying to fight your soul to sing a different song. I am scared of the present and the future, and I am scared of finding a place where I belong because what if it’s not the place I wanted to be? I am scared of falling in love. I am scared of falling in love and still feeling the pull to move away regardless. I am scared to be hurt or to hurt another, yet I still crave love just like everyone else. 

I fear being forgotten. That I’ll move too much or too far and I’ll slowly slip from people’s memories and lose all sense of community. I am scared of so many things, but aren’t we all?